Four Days

i have 4 days. 4 days i can say no to sex without having to justify my lack of desire. Without having to prove that I am not spiraling out of control into some kind of psychotic break. When i do say yes to sex I have to muster enough acting skill to at least partially cover my lack of desire or we have to spend an hour stroking his ego so he doesn't feel inadequate. He isn’t, I just dont respond well to a time clock on my libido.

I should make it clear that sex is not bad. There are some areas that are rushed into when they could be more gradual in implementation, but it is definitely far from bad sex. It isn’t that I don’t love him. I do. I love him with all my being. Why else would I have sex with someone when I don’t want it? There have been times where I really enjoy it. There have even been times when the physical enjoyment of sex was at odds with my mental ambivalence towards it. 

I think I resent having sex be a barometer of my mental health. How is it fair or accurate? He might say that if I was happy, I would want it more. Or if I am in the middle of a depression I will want it less. 

Could he be made to see that my depression can sometimes be triggered by his lack of respect for my feelings? That he makes me feel like the only way to please him is to be randy 24/7? That unless we are having “regular” sex, he sees me as broken? 

I am broken. I just wish he saw me as more. I wish I could be what he wants. The more I try and fail, the more I want to hide from him. It is miserable to have the person you love most in the world see you as broken and defective.